This one won’t be single for long!
Hi. We’re KFC.
And, it’s become abundantly clear that you sad bastards will eat literally anything that we can find, photograph, and shit into a little plastic coffin.
Believe me, we know. Because, for years now, we’ve been testing you. Aggressively. Time and again. Through a mind-boggling series of product releases that call to mind Europe’s inexorable slide into the Second World War—with each new development bringing something more unfathomable, disturbing, and unspeakably inhumane.
But, just to be dead honest, it stopped being fun for us a long time ago; you guys have been like the Neville Chamberlains of dignified food. At a certain point, we realized you didn’t even need to be sold on this inedible dreck.
Seriously. It became surreal—like you couldn’t stop hitting yourself with your own hand. Only that hand happened to be clutching a glistening piece of fried bird like it was a pontoon on the last chopper out of Saigon.
The game really changed on the day we realized you wouldn’t blink twice at the idea of a junior high dropout serving you breaded chicken, jug gravy, frozen corn, and a rudimentary ecru paste of modified potato starches and salted oil—all in the same fucking death-black wading pool. You’d eat that. On purpose. With a large Mountain Dew and a fucking “parfait.”
Yeah, that was when we had to admit that our once-rewarding experiment on the limits of human despair was no longer even a sporting challenge.
It became more like—what?— shooting diabetic fish in a barrel. Or, I guess, more appropriately, a “bucket.”
(Yes, we’re the same company that first made American adults like your grandparents feel entirely comfortable feeding their family out of a greasily translucent cardboard bucket. High five.)
So, you know what? Fuck it. Let’s go for broke. Go out on a high note, y’know?
Here’s…this. This…thing. Which is…food. Of a kind.
Shit, we’re not even sure what to call it. Internally, we’ve been banging around “the new brown thing.” Although, that’s actually what we call any new atrocity we’ve dreamed up that we’re pretty positive you’ll buy five at a time and eat alone in your Pinto while listening to talk radio and crying.
But, for what it’s worth, this unit’s actually been an interesting ride from a process standpoint. We told our R&D boys they could come up with basically anything they wanted—as long as it could be thrown together from existing ingredients, cost less than 40 cents to make, and looked enough like dog shit that impressionable lardbutts like you would get a raging food boner the first time its commercial ran on whatever basic cable reality show keeps you from killing yourself for another week.
And, yes, if it’s not already clear, we think this new brown thing feels like another big-titted hit for Team Colonel.
So, you know. Go nuts. Buy one. Hell, buy forty.
Ask for “the scabby-looking new brown thing that shiny, out-of-breath people in sweatpants and UGG boots who look pretty much like me keep ordering.” Actually, it’d be awesome if you’d say it exactly like that. Because the counter kids would sure get a kick out of it.
(As your almost-daily visits may have shown you, these youngsters are not the sharpest knives in the drawer. And, frankly, given their lack of benefits and likely-permanent Original Recipe odor, they could really use a good laugh)
Thing is, you’re already pretty into this new brown thing, aren’t you? Sure, you are.
It’s that cadaver-colored cheese product and that bacon-flavored “hickory striplette” and that engagingly pus-like corn starch sauce, right? Totally.
And, you see that outside part? Yeah. That definitely looks like fried chicken or something.
And, if memory serves, fried chicken or something are two of your favorite foods. Just after “anything not made of metal or glass that I can squeeze, fold, roll, fellate, or otherwise manipulate into a shape that can be accommodated by my gaping maw.”
But, if you’re not into it? Eh. You will be. Eventually. Some night when you’re all drunk on peach schnapps and working up an appetite from jerking it to late 80s Penney’s catalogs. You’ll crave you some brown. And that’s fine with us.
And if you don’t? Well, really, who cares? We’ll be fine. We know our customers; those fucking bowls didn’t get famous by themselves.
So, thanks. And, seriously: enjoy the new brown thing. But, thanks, also for whatever brought you to this point in life.
Because, the truth is, we simply couldn’t do our jobs as well as we do without knowing folks like you will devour literally anything we make.
“Early on the morning of September 16, 2010 , Robert Gibbs was scanning news clips on his BlackBerry when a story stopped him short. According to a new French book, Michelle Obama had told Carla Bruni-Sarkozy that living in the White House was…
our spring 2012 campaign, shot by Craig McDean & featuring Karlie Kloss. Styled by Alex White.
Design by Chris Ayers
I wonder what a casual, uninitiated viewer would make of this. I imagine it would probably be incomprehensible.What I would give to be able to read Infinite Jest’s Eschaton chapter again for the first time. I distinctly remember being in a restaurant when I read it because the other patrons kept looking at me as I tried unsuccessfully to stifle laughter.
I used Sam Potts’ character map of Infinite Jest as a starting point and then expanded upon it. This isn’t meant to be a comprehensive play-by-play; I only listed the main events that lead to the scuffle at the end of the chapter. When it is clear that a particular player launched a warhead I have tried to indicate that. Otherwise the vectors come from the state. It is not clear exactly how many players participated in this game, but it is at least nine and not more than twelve. Eight of them are named and the player representing REDCHI is not named.
This is a first draft and I realize that there may be mistakes. My head hurts too much to think about it right now, but if you have suggestions of corrections please let me know.
The Tumblr version is somewhat hard to read, so you can download a high resolution version below:
Remember a few weeks back, when Imogen Heap announced that she would write and produce her next album with the help of her fans?
791 sounds and 225 solos later, Imogen is happy to present the first song she’s written with contributions of some of her most loyal fans. For us here at SoundCloud HQ, it was a fantastic experience to watch her nightly video live streams during which she previewed the many sounds you’ve sent her.
So earlier this week, what started known as #heapsong1 turned into a song called Lifeline, which you can listen to below:
This track wouldn’t exist without the sounds from Anna Ponto, Carli D., Ashley Wilson, Jess Jacobs (#1, #2), Melissa Cavileer, Alexandra Borne, Jen Cork, Patricia Islas, Kellyn Goler, Daniel Dols, Robin Beanland, Kristian H, Toby Barnett (#1, #2, #3), Suzi Starlite (#1, #2), Sowick, Arron Pelo, Robert Ponto, RunningRiver, Chris with Alan, Nathan Vollmer, Avangion, Jose Cuevas, Lee Harris, Danny Klingler, Dan Gee, Rouxbarbe, Michael Drebert, Alessandro Pirollo, Tristan Horton, hardroqr, Elizabeth Hentze, Christian Cyfus, Johnathon Henderson, Roo Kidd, Stu Henderson and palcasopatatas.
That’s 40 sounds from 36 different people!
This project is another proof for Imogen always being at the forefront of where technological innovation, creativity and fan engagement meet. Massive kudos to her and her team for pulling this off with such an incredible dedication.
Thanks to Imogen and everyone who participated. This is another beautiful example for what the web can do to form and shape communities. Stories like this one is why we wake up every morning. so if you’d like to support Imogen, you can purchase the single with bonus material right here.
dress of books
Update on this photo. I added the link to a blog where the photo originated. It was taken (by Lori of Katies Rose Cottage Designs) at the Dallas Home and Gift Market in July of a random display in a showroom. She is going to look for more details on the dress when she goes back to the market. i’ll keep you updated.
P.S. I don’t think the dress is made out of Harry Potter books :( Sorry.
Scientists from around the world to share research expertise through EOL
Washington, D.C. – January 18, 2012 – The Encyclopedia of Life (EOL) is pleased to announce the 2012 class of the EOL Rubenstein Fellows. These 16 scientists will use EOL as a platform for sharing their biodiversity…